Template for decision making - Choices. And Consequences (UPPERCASE usage is intentional and for emphasis)

My closest friend asks, “If what I WANT to do is in direct conflict with what I SHOULD be doing, what do I do? How do I choose between my own happiness and my duty IF they are in direct conflict? WHY should I feel guilty for - at least once in a while – prioritizing my own happiness?” Fairly valid and pertinent question, right? But is it that simple to answer? Let’s try and give this a shot.

At times, this question is actually fairly easy to answer. I WANT TO get drunk or high every night and pass out into blissful oblivion while I have shitloads of work to do and responsibilities to account for. Or, for those with a more extreme bent of mind, the rapist or the murderer says I want to rape or murder as it gives me happiness – so should I? Can’t I prioritize my happiness. For once? Just one tiny murder? Pretty please? So, these are the situations where deciding what’s the right thing to do, if one is reasonably sane (since NO ONE is completely so), is easy. No brainer really. But is it always so? Let’s delve deeper.

Top surgeon had a terribly long and tiring day in the OT – comes back home late at night – utterly exhausted and desperate for a warm shower and a much-needed nap. Gets a call – that a school bus met with an accident and a busload of school kids need urgent attention – many of them need surgical interventions. What should the surgeon do? Again – fairly straight forward – unless one is a psychopath. Right? She throws on a pair of clean clothes and rushes back to the hospital. Ok – enough with the easy stuff now – let’s ramp this up a bit, shall we now?

Picture this – you are from a lower middle-class family – your parents went through hell to give you the best education. They begged, borrowed, worked their asses off - even skipping meals - so that you get the best of everything. You, in turn, are brilliant and do well in academics, get a good job, marry your college sweetheart and generally settle down. So far, so good. But, as your career grows, you realise, that unless you are willing to move out from your city – maybe even go abroad – your career will plateau out. Not that you are in a bad place – you earn reasonably well – but then, unless you relocate, there is only so much growth that would be possible career wise.

Your parents are now old and all alone. They won’t say this in so many words but they need you close by for support. You can see it in their eyes. Your wife is super excited at the chance of you settling abroad and doing well in your career. You try and convince your parents to shift with you – but aged parents don’t want to – they want to spend the rest of their days at their ancestral property. They, in fact, encourage you to take that promotion and go – that’s what parents do. But you see those wistful eyes of your mom.  You see the expectant eyes of your wife. You think of your ow career prospects. You think of the future of your kids.  What do you do? How do you decide? No glib yes or no answers, right?

I know what most youngsters would do, in fact actually do, in these situations – and, to be honest, THERE ARE no right or wrong choices here – just choices – and consequences. You decide and then, either ways you will have to live with the consequences of your decision – both the good as well as the not so good.  

I mean I can go on and give you multiple such examples where there ARE no right or wrong answers – just choices and consequences. Should I take that long awaited weekend party with my friends or stay back home with my kids and spend some quality time with them? Should I stay back home with the love of my life for a cozy evening over wine and Netflix or should I let my hair down with my close friends and paint the town red – I WANT to do both, but I can ONLY do one as I can’t be present at two places at the same time. Again, none of the choices are right. And none of them are wrong. It’s just about the consequences which are least painful – the ones we can live with.

So, long story short, how does one decide? Especially, when presented with confusing choices. More so, when one of the choices is what we WANT to do and the other is what we SHOULD do. If both, what we want and what we should, are the same – then it’s a cakewalk. But, unfortunately, it won’t be always so. So how does one decide? Here is what I do (or at least try to). When I have to make a difficult choice, I try to see where in the following spectrum of impact the consequences would likely fall. This below is the spectrum:

1. Does my choice make me as well as every other party involved (the ones I love and the ones who love me) happy?
2. Does the option I choose makes me happy – WHILE not upsetting anyone else
3. Does it make me happy – but upsets the ones I love
4. Does it make me happy – but upsets some (family maybe) and pleases some (friends maybe) among the ones I love.
5. Makes me unhappy – but makes the ones I love happy
6. Makes me as well as everyone else unhappy   

This is, obviously, oversimplified and not an exact spectrum. There are many flaws - but broadly, in this spectrum, choices 1, 2 and 6 are fairly easy. The choices 3,4 and 5 are the tough ones to answer. And there is no one size fits all solution for these.

Ultimately, it will boil down to what all consequences (there will ALWAYS be consequences) are you willing to live with? If the joy / peace / happiness you get from taking any choice is worth the consequences that WILL follow – then go ahead and take it. If not, don’t. In either case, NEVER crib. See this as liberating – that the choice is ALWAYS in your power – YOU get to decide – and once decided, you take the joys and the heartburns in your stride – you take responsibility. If that’s not empowering, what else is?  Thoughts?